Trying to Ignore the Monitor

Currently listening to: U2's Joshua Tree album
Reminds me of: When I was about 12 and my parents and I were driving back from somewhere from one of my brothers' baseball games and we went through Red Hill mining town and I made them pull over so I could get out because U2 wrote that one song Red Hill Mining Town. Come on, I was only 12....

You know how when you read a whole bunch of writing by one person, and then you go to write something and you discover that you've picked up their tone? I've been devouring the archives on Dooce's site, so I apologize if I sound like her. But if you DO think I sound like her, then it's a compliment to me. So, I'm ripping off one of her ideas and doing a Things I've Learned Since I Had a Baby list.

1. There is nothing stronger than the will of a baby when he doesn't want to sleep. And I don't understand why. Judah can be so tired that his eyes literally roll back in his head for the second that he stops screaming, but he actually WAKES HIMSELF UP so that he can scream some more so that he won't fall asleep. WHY?!?! If only someone would bundle me all up and make me sleep for a few hours.....

2. I apologize if you didn't want to know this, but baby poop does indeed smell like buttered popcorn. And this supplement I'm taking called Fenugreek smells like maple syrup. So a lot of times Judah wakes up smelling like a waffle. Mmmm, breakfast!

3. If an outfit says that it fits "up to 11 pounds" it means that it will be falling off the baby until he hits exactly 11 pounds, and then it will fit him for five minutes before he outgrows it.

4. A five week old baby is perfectly capable of screaming at the top of his lungs for an hour straight. If an adult tried this they'd either pass out or hyperventilate or fall asleep from exhaustion. Which tells me that adults have way less stamina than babies.

5. Listening to a five week old baby scream at the top of his lungs for an hour straight will make an otherwise rational and intelligent adult say horrible things they would not usually say and weep tears of despair and anger.

6. When a five week old baby looks at you with big blue eyes and then SMILES the rational and intelligent adult will take back all the horrible things she said and be willing to do absolutely anything the baby requests, and will forgive the baby for all the screaming and even think "it really wasn't that bad."

7. Babies have an inner clock that tells them to stay awake the whole time between one feeding and the next except for the last ten minutes before the next feeding, at which point the inner clock tells them to fall asleep so soundly that they cannot be roused to eat.

8. There are approximately 11,000 things that They tell you you can't do with a baby because the baby will certainly die. Of these 11,000 things, approximately 10,687 of them were practiced regularly by our parents when we were babies. And all of the things we're supposed to do right now will be totally horrible and will kill the baby when our children have babies, and they'll be back to letting babies sleep on their stomachs and giving them water to drink between feedings.

9. Monitors are from hell.

We're currently trying to teach Judah to fall asleep on his own. This involves putting him in his crib and then listening tensely outside the door. After about one minute of silence he usually starts crying. Being the mean parents we are, we let him cry. For a really long time. We check on him once and a while and everything, and put the chupa (that's what it's called around here, not binky or suckie) back in his mouth, but for the most part he just screams. The whole time I've been writing this he's been screaming, and I've been watching the lights on the monitor with the sound off, because the sound on will drive me insane. The lights finally stopped, and I turned the sound way up to see what's going on. I'm afraid that I've reduced my child to crying quietly and hopelessly in his crib and that he'll grow up to be a conscience-less mass murderer because clearly his mother didn't love him enough to pick him up when he cried. And will he ever smile at me again?

And the worst part is, I'm going to wake him up in ten minutes to eat again!